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Donald Reviews Movies Poorly - Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children is what I can only assume to be a biographical picture, based on Samuel L. Jackson's quest to eat the eyeballs of children. Mrs. Flamingo's House for Weird Looking Kids focuses on our main hero, Jake, who constantly obsesses over the stories that his grandfather tells him. Jake's grandfather, Abe, is found eyeless in the middle of a forest. I think in like Wisconsin or something. That seems like the type of thing to happen in Wisconsin, since all they have is cheese and the Packers.

With some kind of plot foresight, Abe mails Jake a precious collection of photos and other plot devices that arrive just in time for his birthday and are given to him during his birthday party. Speaking of which, who decided it was okay to still throw a birthday party after this kid's grandfather was brutally murdered in the woods? And how come none of the other family members care? They all seem to have the attitude like “it was his time to go”. The old dude was murdered in the woods and found with his eyes missing! Is that like the third leading cause of death of old people behind heart attacks and spending cuts to Medicare?

So, the family takes Jake to therapy, not because he is having a hard time with the passing of his grandfather, but because they are basically tired about him talking about the bond he had with his grandfather and sharing the stories that Abe had told him. Like really? The therapist also seems fed up with Jake and tells him he should visit the places in the stories that his grandfather told him. Jake's father rolls his eyes so hard that they almost detach from his retinas, and decides to take the advice of Jake's therapist for some reason.

So, Jake and his father start their adventure to Whisper Island. That's not the actual name of the place, but that's what I call it, since the director told everyone to do their best impression of Christian Bale's Batman running a marathon, since all dialogue is spoken in panted whispers. Jake gets to the island and runs into some local kids, they lead him to a bog, which Jake proceeds to step in and gets his shoe muddy. I'm only mentioning this because the screenwriters thought this set up was mean and funny enough for teenagers to do. Have you met teenagers before? “Yeah, a muddy shoe that will show him who's boss”, said no teenager ever. A real teenager would have told him that he is living a fantasy world because his parents are most likely gonna get divorced, and the only person he connected with is dead. Yeah, but that doesn't have the same sting a a muddy shoe and wet sock.

Jake finds Mr. Magoo's Home for Misplaced Glasses, travels through time and starts hanging out with some folks with really lame super powers. We also see another adult making poor decisions with Miss Peregrine. She decides to start some kind of a time loop on the day her orphanage was bombed by the Nazis. They never really explain how these loops worked, but I know enough not to set one up when my home is being bombed by Nazis. Anyway, Sam Jackson and Quentin Tarantino find the home and continue to chase the kids all through time loops. Oh, and at some point Jake develops a crush on the one of the girls. That girl happens to the same girl Jake's grandfather was digging fifty years ago, or she might have had a crush on Jake's Grandfather. So, that's kinda weird.

Jake realizes he has, what could be considered the lamest power in history, the ability to see the bad guys. Jake and his merry band of not-mutants fight not-Voldemort AKA Sam Jackson and save the day. The movie ends with Jake and company sailing on a ship and exploring the world. Much like making out with a grandparent's sloppy seconds, Miss Birdman's Roles to Revitalize Micheal Keaton's Career leaves a familiar taste in the viewer's mouth that doesn't feel quite right. In the end, you witness a weird kid live out his fantasy, possibly become his own grandfather, and never quite understand what it means to be different. But, it does have Sam Jackson eating the eyeballs of children. So, there is that.

Rating: 2 magical eyeballs out of 5